May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town historically known for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely away from position. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let's have another position where by American men can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: give Every person a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It really is that he really should end using it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the task, replied, "You know, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Excellent tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Area, a characteristic being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after finding the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not simply hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where attendees may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are Not sure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They may Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is now attracting notice from Worldwide investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge the place my PTSD can have switch-down support."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences recommend:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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